u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
