Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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