what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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