I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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