her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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