Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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