I accidentally had phone sex last night
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
