worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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