Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
