so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
