Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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