I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
