o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
