If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
im calling her cock vulture from now on
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
