sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
