I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
