Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We need to get me chipped asap
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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