Betty ford says i'm here all night
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
