new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
