I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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