I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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