I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
