at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize