I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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