I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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