The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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