sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
