Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
