he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Ketchup is God's man juice
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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