I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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