wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Girls should come with a carfax report
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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