they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
