The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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