you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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