I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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