I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
