i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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