I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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