yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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