I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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