$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
