Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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