as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
