His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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