All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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