Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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