remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Randomize
