I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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