you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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