I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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