Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
