it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
