Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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