I puked a lego.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
