ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
