I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
