It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
