Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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