I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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