i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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