you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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